(OK Grandpa, let's tell them a little story about what happened this Christmas)

Christmas eve

I didn't get much sleep

I kept hearing things

Heavy breathing from the chimney

Who could it be?



In the morn

I couldn't believe my eyes

A whale of a corse

With a long white beard was dangling over the fire



(Chorus)

Santa he's a big fat f*uck

Crawled down the chimney got his fat ass stuck

Honey call the lawyers fast

Cause Mrs. Claus is gonna sue my ass



(OK Grandpa, step up, sing in this thing right here, tell em what you saw)

Gotta tell you folks

He wasn't wearing no clothes

He musta rubbed a whole gallon of Crisco oil from his head down to his toes

I was talking to the cops outside

The dogs were lickin' Crisco off of his thighs

They hauled him away in a double wide

What a sad sad way to die



(Chorus)