The father who sired her handed her over

The crack-handed orchestra played

The bride and the groom stood shoulder-to-shoulder

As the ill-starred wedding was made



She lifted her veil as the groom gently kissed her

And all did appear to be well

But the limousine driver heard every harsh whisper

As they drove to the country hotel



In the grand hotel ballroom the guests were assembling

The champagne like tapwater flowed

The men wearing top hats, and fop coats and top coats

The women in bustles and bows

The bride’s jealous sister sat alone in her place

And sneered as the couple came in

The maitre-de coughed and said “please take your places,

The banquet is about to begin?

The street doors burst open and an army of footman

Swept in bearing salvers and trays

Fiddlers and clowns went from table to table

Amid black smoke and cigarette haze

Noone saw the best man as he secretly winked

At the bride’s jealous sister it seemed

And then cried out “waiter, bring me more drink

And more marilyn monroe ice-cream?

When the wine had been poured and the tables were cleared

The toasts and the speeches began

The bride and groom cut the cake, everyone cheered!

Then all eyes fell on the best man.

He climbed off his chair, and he licked his cracked lips

And declared in a voice cold and dry

“she tricked and hijacked him, with guilt she trapped him

This day is a sham and a lie?

Her father leapt up with a curse and a roar

And slew the best man in the head

The groom cried “blaggard!?and with a flash of his sword

His father-in-law fell down dead

The bride ran screaming in floods of bright tears

And collapsed at the foot of the stairs

Where her sister was waiting with scissors and shears

And hacked off every inch of her hair.



Up on the roof sat seven fat crows, the moon rose low in the west.

The groom was arrested still in his wedding clothes

And hanged in his pants and his vest

The bald-headed bride bought a ticket to spain

And eloped with a wig-makers son

While her jealous mad sister, riven with shame

Became a nun!


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