These are the thoughts that go through my head

in my backyard on a sunday afternoon

when I have the house to myself and I am not

expending all that energy on fighting

with my

boy

friend

Is he the one that I will marry

and why is it so hard to be objective about

myself why do I feel cellularly alone

am I supposed to live in this crazy city

can blindly continued fear-induced regurtitated life-denying tradition

be overcome



Where does the money go that I send

to those in need, if we have so much why do some people have nothing

still why do I feel frantic when I first wake up in the morning

why do you say you are spiritual, yet you treat people like shit



How can you say you're close to God, and yet you talk behind

my back as though I'm not a part of you, why do I say "I'm fine"

when it's obvious I'm not, why's it so hard to tell you what I want

why can't you just read my mind?



Why do I fear that the quieter I am

the less you will listen

why do I care whether you like me or not

why's it so hard for me to be angry

why is it such work to stay conscious and so easy to get stuck

and not the other way around



Will I ever move back to Canada

Can I be with a lover with whom I am a student

and a master, oh why am I encouraged to shut my mouth

when it gets too close to home, why cannot I

live in the moment