My last girlfriend didn't like me thought she might be

Most likely a dyke she just didn't excite me

Lefty? Yeah but that was alright

She was hotter than the sun but she just wasn't that bright

My mistake she was more flaky than a leper colony

I think a wooden clothespin would have been much better company

Ass like a donkey acting funky gave her "L" now she's a flunky

So my love for her died quicker than a batch of Sea Monkeys

Early bird gets the worm spread your legs or spread the word

So what if I'm not the smartest peanut in the turd

I'm white which goes with everything but I can come in any color

And I'm looking for the kind of girl that reminds me of my mother

But it's hard to find a girl with a viper tattooed on her tushy

And how many girls do you know that can play the harmonica with their pussies?

Like em' easy and hot and sweet like a Rice Krispie Treat gee

You know what I really want in a girl? Me



I need to find a new vagina

Any kind of new vagina

It's hard to rhyme a word like vagina

Calvin Klein? Kind of North Carolina



Women are like dog doo hear me through don't interrupt

It's just the older that they are the easier they get to pick-up

I'd fill the generation gap clean the cobwebs from her rafters

Old hens would rather put out than be put out to the pasture

No age just ain't a gauge I like my girls like my cheese

Preferably for me fat-free American singles only

I want my next chick anorexic the winner is the thinner

Won't have to take her skinny ass out to a fancy dinner

Like Sizzler she got a beef we'll chew the fat

If I forget to put the seat up I can put up with her crap

Let her lash out and crack the whip but not in bed I don't play rough

No I can't be tied down with a girl that wants me tied up

Just independent like NOFX smart like Janeane Garafolo

She'd use big words to make fun of me so that I would never know

Bestow upon me all her wisdom of the Dewey Decimal System gee

You know what I really want in a girl? Me



I need to find a new vagina

Any kind of new vagina

It's hard to rhyme a word like vagina

Kevin Klein? Kind of South Carolina



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